Years ago, I was reffing a basketball game in Canada, where nobody seemed to care about the sport at the time.
There were maybe 12 people there.
Not kidding.
In the first half, two out of those 12 people were screaming at me non-stop, questioning every call that didn’t benefit their children’s team.
As much as people just kind of look over referees being yelled at in sporting events, it is important to consider that this is their place of work. Imagine if you were yelled at in your job every time you made a decision that someone else didn’t agree with. In my opinion, it shouldn’t happen.
(Some of you might be thinking that already happened, and if it does, I am sorry, and it is wrong!)
Typically, you ignore the comments but on this day, I just wasn’t having it. I looked at my partner and decided to walk over to the two gentlemen yelling at me. As their jaws dropped, I sat beside them and said the following.
“I love that you are here, and as a school principal, I think it is awesome when families are really passionate about what their kids are doing.
My problem is how you are talking to me. We talk to our students about how they interact with others, their character, and how they act, even when they disagree with someone. I am not sure you are modelling what we ask of them, so I just want you to think about that in the second half.
But one last thing; I can tell you love your kids and that is awesome. Do you know who else loves their kids? My mom and dad, and they are sitting behind you right now.”
When I said that, they looked stunned.
Weirdly enough, my parents were not there, and I had no idea why I said that! There was no one over 40 in the gymnasium, but it just came out of my mouth and I walked away as soon as possible!
But they did not yell at me again during that game.
A couple of lessons I learned from this interaction:
1. We are all somebody’s kid.
Even those two guys.
Notice that the first thing I said to them was acknowledging something good when they were doing something bad. It wasn’t easy, but I wanted to show them a different way to disagree while finding common ground.
Do we model this to our students? To our kids?
I don’t always succeed, but I try my best.
2. Sometimes, when we disagree with someone or they disagree with us, talking respectfully is better than the alternatives.
There are many people with whom I disagree, but although I might not agree with their opinions, I try to see the good in them and their intentions.
Those two dads that were there were “advocating” for their kids but were doing it in a horrible way. The message was lost in the delivery.
If they had changed the way they advocated, I don’t think I would have changed any of my calls. But I know that if I was called names, and that actually made me change my calls, would they be proud of that achievement? Maybe. But is that the way we want others to get them to change their minds? It might happen, but they will resent you forever.
Just another lesson I learned about life through reffing.
This post reminds me of the old adage, “You can catch more flies with honey than you can vinegar.” People will listen to you and be much more open to the points/needs you are trying to convey if you say it in a kind, respectful tone.
There are four efficient teachers were teaching grade 12 math But at the end all students wanted to go to the teachers’ class who joined last in their team. The teacher shows such a love and passion in talking with the young students, makes others to feel jealous of her……. My 40 years teaching become meaning less before her one year of teachin g that course
Thanks for sharing this story. It is a powerful reminder. Would it be ok if I shared it in my weekly update to the 12 principals I work directly with?
Of course!
Thank you! I’ve been talking to my team about this a lot lately, we’re all someone’s kid. We need to remember when we’re talking or writing to parents about their students or in their files, if you were a parent, would you want to read or hear that about your child?