Finding the “Good” When You Need to Communicate The Bad

My good friend Lainie Rowell was leading a session on the importance of gratitude, and many of her perspectives are refreshing and, I believe, can significantly improve mental health for individuals and organizations. When I wrote this email, Lainie shared this powerful image on Instagram:

For example, growing research suggests that rumination, the act of constantly focusing on problems, can actually make those problems worse and be mentally and emotionally draining.

When I first heard about that, I thought about how I often listen to podcasts when I am running. On long runs, I specifically stay away from news and politics, as it feels like I am running with a 50-pound weight on my shoulders. When I listen to something funny or uplifting, I feel physically better.

This is not to suggest that problems and the act of gratitude can’t co-exist. I love this quote from Marc and Angel on the idea of being positive:

I thought about this quote based on one of the insights Lainie shared in her presentation: the importance of positive phone calls home and how much that can make a family’s day. This can often be a good surprise, and not only can it make people feel good about the impact of their parenting, but it can also help build a better connection long-term when something goes wrong. Spending time doing this at the beginning of the year can save you time later.

That being said, we sometimes have to make negative phone calls home. Situations happen, and it is essential that they are communicated home. As an aside, I genuinely believe that you should NEVER deliver a negative message home via email. You have no idea the impact that email can have on someone, so it is imperative that you have a conversation, whether in person or via phone call. 

As an assistant principal (and principal), I had to make many tough calls home. I cannot remember the situation, but I do remember it was bad, and I was nervous about calling the family. Before I did, the school secretary looked at me and said, “You are about to destroy this mom’s day, so make sure she knows you care about her child.” I never forgot that advice.

So, on that phone call, and every tough call I had to make after, I always started and ended by ensuring that the family knew we cared about their child and that I could find something good in them, even if a bad situation happened. Often, because I did everything to build relationships with families, I would remind them that both they and I did dumb and regretful things in our childhood, and we (mostly) turned out okay 🙂

Here is the TLDR:

Make the positive phone calls home; it will make a difference.

But when you have to make that tough call home, do your best to share the good you see, even when the situation is challenging. This doesn’t mean there are no consequences for a bad situation, but that we ensure we create a pathway back to redemption that both parties want to partake in.