This is a story that I shared in my “Epic Book Review” on Trevor Moawad’s book, “Getting to Neutral” that I wanted to share with you all.
You can watch the entire podcast here or listen to it on Apple Podcasts! I would definitely recommend this book if you feel you are getting stuck or perhaps leading a culture that feels like it could be headed (or is already there!) into a spiral of negativity. I think the book could help with rethinking how we lead and deal with conflict, externally and internally.
It was one of my first games at the college level as a basketball referee.
I had been working extremely hard to get higher-level games, and officiating college games was an important step in my career.
The weird thing about being a referee in any sport is that you don’t want to stick out. The more people notice the referee in any sport, the worse they are probably doing. You actually get more noticed by evaluators when fans and players don’t really see you.
Being a school administrator is very similar in that sense. Great ones empower those they serve to be able to do what they need to do, and they often don’t get credit. But if a principal or superintendent is terrible, everyone seems to notice.
In this particular game, one of my first at the college level, I had gone the entire first quarter without a call. This can be a good or bad thing. You don’t want to make up stuff that isn’t happening, but it could also look like you are not involved in the game.
Feeling nervous in the second quarter, I made a foul call on a player that should not have been called. I blew my whistle and immediately questioned myself on my call. I knew it was questionable, but it was too late; the call had been made.
Immediately, the coach of the team that I made the call against started yelling for my attention. Everyone in the building knew he was upset, and at least 50% of them agreed (loudly). I told him, “Coach, I will talk to you at the first stoppage of play.”
So he called a timeout.
He wanted to make sure that he had the chance immediately to talk to me, as he knew I was a new official, and he was going to set me straight on how the game was played at the college level.
I quickly talked to my partners and said I would speak to him, and they almost pleaded with me not to go. They knew I was wrong in my call and were worried that I would get yelled at in front of the gym and that my college officiating career could end before it ever really began. I told them I would be fine and headed the coach’s way.
As I walked over, you could feel the anger about to erupt from the coach, and before he got a word out, I said, “Coach, there’s nothing to argue over that call. It was terrible, I screwed up, and I will make sure I do better moving forward.”
He smiled. I smiled. He patted me on the back, and I walked away without him even saying a word. He didn’t need to.
In fact, what could he say?
I said I was wrong, which he agreed with. I also told him I would do better, which he needed to hear. There was nothing more that needed to be said.
The weird thing was that I realized I had gained credibility with the coach by taking ownership of my mistake. He knew I would be honest and was open to a conversation and feedback, but would self-correct if needed.
Now if I made mistakes like that repeatedly, they would no longer be mistakes but a pattern. That didn’t happen.
In some cases, coaches (and some people) don’t want the apology or the correction. They almost seemingly want blood.
What could the coach say to me sharing that I had screwed up? Wasn’t that what he wanted?
I also had respect for him in the situation because of how he treated me when I owned up to my mistake.
So a few lessons I learned (and am still learning) from this situation that apply to teaching, learning, leading, and life.
- When you make a mistake, own up to it and commit to getting better. You will often get more respect by taking ownership rather than pretending it didn’t happen.
- If you make a mistake, apologize, and commit to the correction moving forward, and the person wants to hold on to the mistake, that is okay for them and you. But you also don’t have to participate in someone else’s anger. Often, the continued anger is not because of you but due to other things going on in their lives. I can only control what I do but can’t control how someone else feels. It is okay if they want to hold on to it, but it doesn’t mean you have to participate.
- The worst thing you can do when making a mistake is double-down. If you know you screwed up, pretending it didn’t happen takes it to another level and will continue to cause mistrust. If you double-down on mistakes, people will double-down on their lack of trust.
Of course, all things in the world are grey, and sometimes what one person views as a mistake, someone else views as the correct action taken at that moment. The more honest we are about the situations where we screwed up could lead to an increase in trust not only by those we are immediately interacting with but also by those who are watching. When my evaluators talked to me at the end of the game, they did not mention my mistake but acknowledged how well I handled the situation. They had seen that when things went wrong, I was willing to do the next right thing to remedy the situation.
I am still working on this in many aspects of my life, but I share this as much of a message for you as it is for myself.
