“Grief never ends, but it changes.
It’s a passage, not a place to stay.”
Holly Prigerson
My dad passed away over a decade ago, this past March, and I think about him often.
But this past March, it was weird that I never thought about the anniversary of his passing, probably for the first time since he died. Weirdly enough, the month of March always feels a bit “off,” and I often forget why, but then I remember the anniversary at some point. My mind forgets, but my body and spirit seem to know.
March was busy, and although he always pops into my mind, not remembering the anniversary brought its own grief.
Do I not miss him?
Of course I do.
And to those who have lost people close to them, one of the things that I share from my experience is that you don’t really get over the passing of someone you love, but you will change. You don’t feel sad all the time, but for the rest of your life, you are different. I can’t explain it any better than that.
Over the years, I know that my dad lives on in the stories I tell others about him and in how I embody much of who he was.
There are great things that I do as a dad that I do directly because of him.
And there are things I think I do better, not because he was a bad dad, but because he probably didn’t have the opportunity to do the things he wanted.
I try my best to attend as much as I can with my kids, which my dad missed out on. But he missed out on so many things I participated in as a child because if he did not work extremely long hours at a restaurant, literally 7 days a week, I would not have had those opportunities. Many of those experiences I had because of my father shaped much of who I am today, and that is one of the hardest balances I find in parenting. I was resentful of him missing so much as a kid, but I understand it better today as a parent, as there is always so much to balance.
I hope that my kids will be better parents than I am and learn from what I did well and what I could improve.
When I started thinking about all of this, I was reminded of one of my favorite musicians, a little-known Canadian artist named Hayden (Hayden Desser), whose lyrics are among the most interesting you will ever hear. His song, “Damn This Feeling,” discusses how hard it is to move on from struggling with missing an ex-spouse.
But I think I’m healing, damn this feelingI have been reeling, since last seasonIt’s the one thing I had leftFrom everything I’d keptI’m going to miss how bad this has felt
Those lyrics hit me this past week.
I miss my dad, and I miss the grieving of the grieving. It will always be there, but I am at a place where I look back more on his positive impact on me than I focus on how much I miss him. I still miss him tremendously, but it is nice to think about him and smile rather than feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.
The people we love and have lost don’t just shape our past; they show up in how we live every day.
The guy was my hero, and I hope to be the same for my kids.
