The Best Way to Have a Door Open For You is to Knock in the First Place

Well, this past week was my 51st birthday, and this year has had its share of ups and downs.

Personally, I feel a bit off, but professionally, my book “Forward, Together: Moving Schools from Conflict to Community in Contentious Times” has been reaching a lot of people, and I have noticed many conversations changing at events I attend because of this work.

There are people in the world who thrive on divisiveness, and in this past year, if I have refocused on anything, it’s truly on being a person who brings people together. My belief is that we can achieve so much more in schools and society that way.

(If you haven’t picked up a copy of the book, there is no better time than my birthday! You can do that here!)

In my newsletter last year at this time, I shared “50 Lessons on my 50th Birthday!” and I wanted to reshare that below because it is nice to look back at what I posted and see how much of it has shaped this year.

But before you get there, I do want to share one lesson I am holding onto this year. Here it is:

“Do not wait for opportunity to come to you; try to kick down some doors
before they open.”

This year, I have been really focusing on being upfront and reaching out to people about opportunities I hope to receive. It has rarely worked, but sometimes it has. And “sometimes” is often all that you need.

I have been resistant to doing that in the past because, honestly, I was worried about what others might think.

What I have realized is that the people who are cheering for me will keep cheering and even get louder, while the ones who never would likely never will.

We often try to appease the unappeasable! (Is that a word?)

I share this with you because I hope it is a lesson you take to heart.

Knock on those doors and ask for what you want. You will hear “no” often, but you will hear “yes” a lot more than if you had never asked in the first place.

And with that short lesson, here are the ones from last year that I am still holding to my heart.

Past 50 Lessons

1. Lift others up, and it will elevate you. I have never regretted helping someone.

2. Don’t worry about the criticisms of people who will never support you.

3. Do things that will make your eight-year-old and 84-year-old self proud. Those are the two most important people you need to impress

4. Fifty is old until you become 50. Then it’s the new 30.

5. Holding grudges often hurts you more than the person you hold them against. You don’t have to forgive, but you should try to move on.

6. When a relationship fails, you can blame the other person—but growth happens when you look at how you can be better for the next person who comes into your life.

7. No matter your goal, it will never bring you the joy you hope for once you achieve it. Fall in love with the process, because growth is the key to a purposeful life.

8. Many things that upset you now won’t matter in a week. If you can consider that in the moment, it’ll make disappointment easier to deal with sooner.

9. Be the model for what you hope others to be. But also know that you’ll continuously fail and falter. That’s OK—as long as you try to get better.

10. When you feel jealous of someone, learn from what they’re doing and see how you can apply it to your own life. You might not have access to the same circumstances, but you can still open doors for yourself.

11. The time you spend complaining about others is time you’re not using to better yourself. Don’t waste that time on envy.

12. When someone is mean to you, do your best to be kind in return. If they continue to be disrespectful, others will learn from your example (and also theirs).

13. Your principles matter more than your politics. Live by them.

14. If you consistently work hard and never give up, you might not reach your goals as fast as you want—but you will reach them eventually. It is inevitable.

15. Learn from those you wish to be like. Ignore those you don’t.

16. Be a creator over a critic.

17. If you’re grateful for someone, let them know in the moment you think about them—or as soon as possible.

18. If you love someone—even when you argue with them—say “I love you” before you go. You might never get the chance to say it again.

19. Sometimes, the best response is no response at all.

20. Everything you post online is a diary you’re leaving for others. What will your legacy be?

21. When you want to change someone’s mind, don’t try to convince them—listen.

22. No matter what you do, give it your best. Passion is contagious.

23. Do more things that make you not want to look at your phone.

24. Say sorry when you are wrong.

25. Take ownership for messing up before someone points it out. They’ll likely be less upset if you admit it first.

26. Don’t spend time in a place where you don’t feel valued.

27. No matter how many times you fail, try again. People love a comeback story.

28. Most disappointments can lead to future success—if you learn from them.

29. If you’ve ever benefited from the help of others, help others.

30. Do your best to improve the energy of every room you enter.

31. When you work with others and know something won’t work, say it early. It’s better for people to be irritated with you at the beginning than disappointed at the end.

32. The things you regret not learning when you were younger—you can still learn today. If you’re alive, you can learn.

33. Don’t dwell in criticism or get caught up in praise. Learn to judge your own performance better than others can. If your standard is higher than what others expect, you’ll always grow.

34. Do your best to be the best interaction someone has all day. If you do that, a stranger will think of you long after meeting.

35. Boring routines often lead to incredible results. Be boring.

36. If you want something, ask. You’ll recover from hearing “no,” but you’ll never stop wondering if you never asked.

37. Most of my regrets are from things I wish I’d done, not the things I wish I hadn’t. There’s still time.

38. The crowd is not always correct. Stick to your principles, and you’ll always know you did what you believed was right.

39. Start the thing, and figure out how to do it later. When you overthink, you often under-do.

40. Bad times won’t last—and neither will the good times. Learn from both, because it’s all temporary.

41. Pay attention to what’s not said just as much as what you hear.

42. Changing direction and quitting aren’t the same. Sometimes, we need to change our path to get where we ultimately want to go.

43. Everything is easier to deal with after a hard workout.

44. Change is an opportunity to do something amazing. It will either happen to you or be initiated by you. Either way, take advantage of it the best way you know how.

45. Being grateful for what you currently have often leads to getting more in the future—or at least it feels that way. Either way, gratitude is essential to a purposeful life.

46. No matter how hard you work, nothing you’ve ever accomplished is 100% done on your own. There are little doors and opportunities opened by others that we may never see, but we should always do our best to appreciate them.

47. Don’t try to convince someone who doesn’t want to be convinced. Spend your time with those who want to grow.

48. Running toward something is better than running from something. 

49. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

50. One of my favorite ideas comes from the movie My Dog Skip (paraphrased): “We spend our entire childhood wishing we could be adults, and then our entire adult lives wishing we could go back to being kids.” Encourage kids to love their time being kids. And although you can mature, you can always embrace the joy, curiosity, and dreams of your youth. No matter how old you become, live the life you wanted as a kid.