Do we hold some people to an impossible standard, and others to unrealistic expectations? And when we do, what environment does that create in your classroom, school, or organization?
Sit with those questions for a second.
I want to share two stories with you: one from my days as a basketball official and another from my time as a classroom teacher.
A lesson from the basketball court
“Just so you know, that coach will yell at you all the time, so just ignore him unless he does something really egregious.”
As a new referee, this was advice given to me by a veteran official before a game, when we were discussing the coaches of the teams playing that night. Something didn’t sit right with me because in what job do you just let someone yell at you the entire time? But, hey, I grew up watching the NBA, and it kind of just seemed to be the standard for what you had to do as a referee.
“So what about the other coach?”
I was told that he doesn’t say much, so not to worry about him
As the game went on, my partner was right.
The one coach would not stop yelling. It was constant, and you basically learned to ignore him, since it felt like background noise.
(Side note…Another lesson I learned from this is that the more you talk when you really have nothing to say, the less people will listen.)
The other coach, though, really didn’t say anything.
Until the second half.
My partner had missed a call (or at least that was the perception), and the quiet coach started yelling at him. He was given a quick warning, continued on, and then assessed a technical foul. The amazing thing about this moment was that the other guy quieted his voice for the first time, and replaced it with clapping at the advantage he had just received.
Honestly, I was new to this role, but something didn’t sit right with me.
The other coach wasn’t just yelling the entire game. He was tiptoeing on the line of being disrespectful and blatantly rude, but it was just ignored. The other coach did something similar in a single moment and was penalized.
It obviously seemed unfair, but it stuck with me because it reminded me of a lesson taught to me by a student only a few years prior.
A lesson from the classroom.
There was one student in my class who excelled not only academically but also in extracurricular activities. She was a tremendous basketball player and also very community-oriented, volunteering with younger students at the school to support teachers. I had high expectations for her, but she had high expectations for herself.
One day, totally out of character, she was being a bit disruptive in the classroom, and honestly, I was pretty firm in my response that it was unacceptable. She knew it, and nothing needed to be said past that moment.
A few weeks (if not months) later, it happened again. Her behavior was out of character, and I again shared that it was unacceptable.
Instead of staying quiet, she looked at me and said, “Mr. C…I am good 99% of the time, and if I make one mistake, you get on my case, but other students in class are constantly disrupting, and if they are good once, you praise them. That doesn’t seem really fair.”
Now, her percentages were off, but her perception was right.
I was way tougher on her for one mistake than I was on others, because she rarely acted up. It always stuck with me. So much so that I saw the unfairness not only on the basketball court years later, but also in school administration.
In “Forward, Together,” I shared the following regarding how easy it is to “punish” staff members who go above and beyond, while ignoring those who seem disinterested at best and toxic at worst.
What do we often do to that 80 percent?
Ignore them or sometimes even punish them by adding more work to their plates because we know they are likely to say yes with a smile while slowly pushing them to burnout for doing a good job…What you promote shifts the responsibility to focus on what “we permit” as a community.
Elevate the 80 percent, and it will get closer to 100 percent.
Listen…everyone has different personalities and circumstances, and I am a big believer in treating people as individuals.
But when you set an individual bar too low for some and to the point of perfection for others, the expectations for all will be lowered.
And wherever you set that expectation, as a teacher, administrator, or even referee, that becomes the culture.
Because people are watching carefully what gets corrected, what gets ignored, and who gets treated differently, and they start to wonder.
“Does consistency matter here?”
“Do expectations apply equally?”
“Why try if I am going to be punished for a simple mistake?”
Ironically, the people who care the most are often the ones most affected by inconsistent standards. They hold themselves accountable already. When every small mistake is magnified while poor behavior from others is expected and excused, people who hold themselves to those high standards will eventually feel defeated.
When we excuse poor behavior long enough, it becomes normalized.
And when we punish excellence too often, it becomes unsustainable.
Great classrooms, teams, and organizations are built by creating cultures where everyone knows they matter, everyone knows they are capable of growth, and everyone is held to standards rooted in respect.
