Are you asking questions to stand still
or to try and move forward?
This is something I have been thinking about a lot in my work, as I often, if not every chance I get, encourage people to challenge the ideas in my keynotes and workshops. Why I ask people to challenge my ideas is not to prove them wrong, but to truly listen to what they have to share, and better understand their viewpoint.
Sometimes I can say my ideas are right, but not for the community I am working with at that moment.
Or there might be some context that I am missing.
Here is an example. I was recently privileged to keynote the New Mexico Coalition of Educational Leaders (NMCEL) leadership conference, and after the opening, I led a follow-up session where I encouraged people to challenge me. In one conversation, we discussed how to create a great student culture and address some of the behaviors many are seeing in school communities. I was asked how I would do this within a Positive Behavioral Interventions and Supports (PBIS) program, and I shared that I wasn’t necessarily a fan of the program.
I then began sharing some of the positive approaches we used within our own school community. Immediately (thankfully), I was stopped and told that in the state of New Mexico, PBIS is mandated across schools, though they have some flexibility in how they implement it in their schools. Immediately, the context of the question changed, and I turned to the group for their insights on what they had done already, rather than pretending I could help with that specific question. Because of the conversation, I realized I was answering the wrong question. That is why conversation is crucial.
And it is not just a changing context that can alter a discussion.
I could be totally wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time, and as much as I hope each time will be the last, my streak continues.
I write about this approach extensively in “Forward, Together” (if you haven’t picked up a copy, I hope you will consider doing so!), in the “Listen to Lead” chapter:
In challenging circumstances, I have learned to step back. When trying to convince someone to try something new, I talk to them and subtly get them to convince me why they shouldn’t. And sometimes they are right, and I am wrong. At least in that moment.
Listening is not about manipulating someone’s words against them to get them to do what you want them to do. It’s about finding common ground so that both parties can move forward.
Listening is helpful to both parties. Maybe you are wrong, and they have valid points. Perhaps you are on the right track, but you find some common ground that you can build on. Or maybe you figure out that neither party will move and that you are better off if you don’t spend your time spinning your wheels in the same spot. This is not about proving who’s right and who’s wrong but finding places to work together to help improve education for all learners.
The next time you feel the need to convince someone of your position, start asking questions and give the person a chance to persuade you of their position. If we are all about learning and growth, this will only benefit our own development.
Want to convince someone to try something new? Stop convincing and start listening. That is the only way you can find out where they are—their point A.
I do want to highlight this sentence from the above:
Or maybe you figure out that neither party will move and that you are better off if you don’t spend your time spinning your wheels in the same spot.
Looking at the question that started this piece, “Are you asking questions to stand still or move forward?” there are times when I realize the “challenge” or the question has nothing to do with growth, or a genuine curiosity in understanding a perspective.
For example, a “stand still” question can often be “Why do we have to do this?”
The wording doesn’t imply that, but the tone often does. This can come not only from students in a classroom, but also from adults. I 100% know this because it definitely came from me earlier in my career. Now, we have to be cautious about how we spend our time in school, as demands keep rising while the day’s time frame stays the same, so I have tried better ways to ask a similar version of this question in the past.
For example, “Can you explain to me how this initiative will improve learning in our classrooms?”
The question is similar, but if it is delivered in a certain tone and with genuine curiosity, it can shift our thinking from the moment we ask the question to what we hear in the answer.
And because I have asked questions in this tone and negative mindset, I can recognize when it is happening my way.
That the “challenge” I am receiving is in no way about growth, but about standing still, or even, showing someone else up.
For example, I recently shared some ideas on leveraging technology and AI for deep learning, and I received a question after clearly stating my past and current work: “Do you work for a technology company?”
Now I can see why that question can be important and why someone might want to know your intentions and biases, but it was the question’s tone that said more to me than anything. It was a “I am going to put you in your place” moment.
Yyou might not agree with me on the next part, but I was okay with engaging with the question and giving a response, even though it was more of a personal slight than a question of curiosity.
The whole time, I was respectful, and I think how you handle negative slights says something about both parties. But I also did not spend too much time on it as I knew others were interested in learning.
Here is my thought process on this.
If you ask a question with no genuine interest in having a conversation and understanding someone else’s viewpoint, then I am not going to waste my time.
I will spend some time on the question because others might be wondering something similar, but are nervous to ask.
You are answering those watching and listening rather than the person who asked the question.
They are not just interested in your answer, but in how you respond when there are mild to medium personal slights.
Are you respectful to someone when they disagree with you, even when they are not respectful back? That opens the door for others to ask questions later. They want to know they can question your ideas while feeling respected if they disagree. For instance, here is a response in an email I received from a participant (shared in “Forward, Together”) in one of my workshops that has shown me how powerful “encouraging challenge” can be for learning.
But if an individual asks a question and shows no care about your response, I am not going to lose any sleep over it.
What I am not saying at all is that you have to agree with the person. Not at all. Are you at least open to the answer? I can recognize this in myself when I am not, so I don’t bother asking.
In fact, I am bothered when I disagree with someone, and they say “you aren’t hearing me” when they ultimately mean, “you are not agreeing with me.”
If you can reshare their ideas, you heard them. But you don’t have to agree. And that is okay. But you might have a better understanding of their trepidation and perspective. That is a good thing.
As I shared earlier, “Or maybe you figure out that neither party will move and that you are better off if you don’t spend your time spinning your wheels in the same spot.”
If someone is not open to a different perspective, I make sure to spend my time with those who are eager to learn.
The reason I write this post is not because of a negative interaction, but the opposite. I made a short video about this on Instagram, but wanted to share my takeaways from the caption.
“Curiosity is part skepticism and part wonder.” #ForwardTogether
I recently presented to a group and had a great interaction with a Kindergarten teacher who was definitely skeptical about what I was sharing. I found this out because I invited the challenge, and she had shared her concerns and trepidation.
But she also shared her wonder.
Was there a way that what I was sharing could deepen learning and improve human connection?
I appreciated not only that she asked the question, but how she asked it. It was with genuine curiosity, which didn’t mean she would embrace what I was saying, but she was open to it if I could share ideas that would help her students.
It was a great reminder to me that when asking questions of others, even when I have skepticism, am I open to changing my mind in the way I frame the question?
As I share in #ForwardTogether:
“Curiosity is not just about our interest in information; it can also lead to a deeper understanding of others, especially those who think differently from us.”
That teacher was such a great example of being open to an idea, not because she asked the question, but because she was open to changing her mind based on the answer.
What I loved about this interaction was that this teacher was nervous about something, but her curiosity (skepticism and wonder) still led her to ask a question to see if there was a better way.
Now, I can’t tell you if she has done anything different since that interaction, but I can tell you that on that day, she stepped out of her comfort zone to try what I shared with her.
Through her example, she showed that although we can be comfortable with something we have done in the past, that does not limit us from trying new things in the future that could be better for our students.
As I have shared often, traditional doesn’t mean “bad” nor does new mean “good.”
We should never be concerned with when an idea emerged, only if it is beneficial to our students. Her curiosity (wonder and skepticism) showed me that she was willing to at least give it a try, and although she might not ultimately agree, she was willing to try it herself to find out.
And in a post about how we ask questions, there isn’t much more you could ask.
