Since I have been speaking at events, one of the things I try to do as quickly as possible is build rapport with the group so they see me as someone sharing ideas, not just the ideas themselves. This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t challenge or criticize my ideas, but rather a bit of the opposite. I am always looking for some challenge as it is crucial to my own growth, but you always want to be pushed in a way that honors the person, while challenging the idea. I have believed in this idea for a long time, as evidenced by this tweet from 2017
And through building that rapport, I often get some interesting confessions from staff. They feel they know me well enough to confide in me, but also I am leaving after so they are not really concerned that what they share with me could come back to haunt them with their colleagues.
One thing I often hear is teachers feeling insecure about things they are doing in their classroom, not because they believe it is bad, but because they think it is good.
That might seem ridiculous on face value, but this is not uncommon in education. People are often worried that if they are doing something great, they might be ostracized by their own staff because of their own insecurities. In my own career, I remember being told by an administrator not to do something because, if it were successful, other staff would be expected to do it. My response was, “If it is successful, why wouldn’t we want other staff to do it?”
And I get this feeling, because I can’t pretend I haven’t felt it myself. Not because I was doing something great, but because I was jealous of someone else’s success.
For example, here is a list of questions I have asked myself over the years:
Why didn’t I get that conference keynote?
Why didn’t I get that award?
Why didn’t I get that job?
And even worse, I would sometimes turn my ire toward a friend who received something I didn’t. What are they supposed to do? Turn down an award because I feel bad?
And although that insecurity can still creep in, I am quick to stop myself when thinking about something I didn’t get, and then try to be considerate of what I did receive, which I am grateful for. The beautiful thing about opportunity is that there is an abundance of it. If I miss out on one today, it does not mean that I will not receive another chance in the future. Working harder might open that door, but giving up will certainly close it.
One of the things that I have done when I feel insecure about the success of someone else is either a) look at what they do and what I could learn from them, b) ask them for support, or c) a bit of both. Many people mentored me toward opportunities I have today, and I try to do the same for others.
But the one thing I will not do is do less because someone else feels insignificant.
When we work with students, we tell them to “Be proud of their success!” but at some point in adulthood, we ask them to be quiet. There is a difference between bragging and thinking you are better than others, as opposed to being proud of your accomplishments. You can be proud while still showing humility. I write about the differences between insecurity, arrogance, and confidence in “Forward, Together” and the importance of identifying where you are on the continuum:
We can always get better while also supporting others in their growth and hopes for success.
But what I won’t do is shrink because of the insecurity of others.
We want our kids to take pride in their achievements, and that should not stop once we become adults.
