Compliment quick, criticize slow.

I thought of the notion above and will get back to it quickly, but first, a bit of a story.

I was finishing up on the stairmaster, and I saw this post on Instagram:

Powerful words, and it made me reflect on an interaction I had earlier in the week.

Someone reached out to me and shared the kindest words, starting their message with, “You probably hear this all the time…”

To be honest, I don’t. I wish I did. Who doesn’t want to hear nice things?!?!?

And it made me think about how we often assume people who are putting themselves out there seem confident, and are doing great work hear it all the time, so we don’t want to “inflate their ego” with bonus compliments.

And being on a Nathan Fielder kick lately since seeing “You Can See Everything,” and this line made me laugh out loud in “Nathan For You.”

(Heads up…I too love compliments! Send away!)

So if you hold back from complimenting someone because you think they hear it all the time, they might hear the opposite more often than you think. And not only do they hear the insults and negativity, but we also often justify it.

One of the things that bothered me tremendously was hearing teachers say, after watching administrators getting chastised by someone, “Well, that’s why you make the big bucks!”

To be publicly berated?!??!

That never sat with me well.

Of course, there is different pressure in different jobs, but I believe when we dehumanize someone else, it reflects worse on the person doing it than the person receiving it.

But what I hope for and what is reality are two different things.

Somebody Hates You

The title above has been the most-discussed chapter in “Forward, Together” by far because of its blatant honesty. 

No matter how hard you try to bring people together, lift others, and make the world a better place, there will be people who are not just indifferent to you, but are actively cheering against you (often quietly), and when you make a mistake or misstep, the cheers get louder.

Some people will hate you because they think you are bad at your job, and others will hate you because they know you are good at your job.

Unfortunately, this happens to young people as well.

I often share this paradox with families working with their own children who want to become content creators, and I paint two different scenarios, for example, if they want to become YouTubers.

Scenario 1: Your child starts a YouTube channel and it is terrible. There will be people who are often harsh and criticize them, because they think it is so bad.

 

Scenario 2: Your child starts a YouTube channel and it is aweseome. There will be people who are often harsh and criticize them, because they know its good.

Good or bad, you will face criticism. The people doing it are just different. Both deal with different insecurities projected onto you.

And I am not talking about helpful feedback, but harsh criticism.

Many say this is a reality of our world, and I get it. You will be criticized for trying new things, and we tell others, “You need to develop a thick skin.”

Sure, that is one part of it.

But we should also focus on becoming better people.

That starts by looking inward before projecting outward.

Have you been quick to criticize?

I have. Luckily, I have caught myself more times than I like to admit, but I have also messed up. (See Dave Burgess story in “Forward, Together”)

Someone I know posted something, and, to be honest, I wasn’t impressed. I really couldn’t tell why, but something bothered me. Immediately, I wanted to send in a snide remark, but I didn’t.

Why?

Because it was a me issue. It was my insecurities projected on them. Jealousy had reared its ugly head.

9 times out of 10, when I am getting the “ick” on social media, it is my own insecurities projected onto someone else.

And because of that, I hold back my thoughts and say nothing, since I have nothing to share that would make them better. I don’t want to provide them feedback, but want to dismiss or criticize what they are doing.

I know if I can’t call them to discuss it, I am not sending the message.

But here is the funny thing…I saw the same person share something I thought was great, and I didn’t hesitate for a minute to share that compliment with them.

I know it made them feel better, and the funny thing is, it did the same for me.

I wrote about this idea in “Forward, Together,” why I do it, and why it matters:

Years ago, I committed to telling someone if I see something great or think something extraordinary about them, regardless of how long it’s been since we last spoke or the state of our relationship. If you dislike not hearing about the great things you’re doing from others, then be the opposite. Be what you want to see in the world. I have never regretted acknowledging the good I have seen in others, but I have regretted not saying something.

Short story, long…compliment quick and criticize slow. 

If you take that approach in both regards, you will likely be happier with the outcome of either.

Trust me on this.

If these ideas resonate with your school community, I’d love to explore how we can bring the “Forward, Together” message to your next event. Explore my keynote speaking topics here!